I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
