Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
