i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
