Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
