I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
