He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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