I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
