listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I understand Curling. That high.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
