Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
