i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
