my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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