Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
