I never want to see another naked old woman again.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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