Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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