sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Randomize
