I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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