I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
