This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
