I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
