I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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