In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.