final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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