go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
that may or may not have been my penis.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
