Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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