If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
