oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
