my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
