I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
