Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
