You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
