I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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