i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
