she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
