the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
