I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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