My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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