So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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