bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
