Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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