I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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