Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
