Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have tasted many bathrooms
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
