The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
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