i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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