wanna go halves on a baby?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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