guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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