I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
