is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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