I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
