I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
