Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
