Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
