Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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