someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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