I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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