I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize