Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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