he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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