and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
