Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
