Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
