See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
