hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
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He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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