I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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