So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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